CHAPTER 1 - She Saw Me

CHAPTER 1 - She Saw Me

            

            And I fell, quite literally I mean, not that I'm a klutz, which let me assure you..I AM NOT. But that's not the point here, the point is - I fell, on the road, while I was listening to my favorite song on my iPod (which unlike me didn't take the fall that sportingly and refuses to work now). Why did I fell? Well the Indica just stopped right infront of me (on the offside, just who stops their car right infront of you without even honking, which by the way they love doing in Bangalore - assholes!). Anyways ummm..the car stopped and ummm... she.. got out.

           Yeah! yeah! I know pretty cliched, who am I  kidding, pretty lame actually. Its just that she had those eyes. eyes you know you'll lose your way in, but you aren't afraid to take the plunge because they make you feel at home at the same time. Eyes that make you forget everything and just make you feel happy just that..happy. I can't call them the most beautiful or anything like that for it really would be an insult. you just can't compare them. She just had those eyes and an absolutely mesmerizing smile as she looked at me...

FUCK..!!!  SHE SAW ME..!!!!    

Saw a transvestite begging on the road today. If you are in namma Bengaluru and stuck at a traffic signal at some busy crossing, then it's a pretty common site. I mean, I see the same person begging everyday and now I guess she'd have recognized my face and labeled it ( the haughty fellow who never gives even a penny !!). God knows I've had some pretty harrowing experiences with this section of the society. I don't know why the sight of a transvestite begging and making unseemly gestures and remarks, makes me impassive.
Its not that I'm against them or something, or that I hold any sort of prejudice against them. Its just the way they behave and treat themselves, like they have no self respect. I remember, once during a train journey in U.P, i heard a transvestite saying - " arey !! humare saath to bhagwaan ne hi mazaak kiya hai, ab aap bhi karoge ?" 
I mean c'mon, what the f*** !! If you don't respect yourself & take pride in who you are and what you are, how can you expect others to respect you? Respect has to be earned. If you want an equal status in society, well here's the news flash - you'll have to work for it. No one is going to hand it over to you or drop it off the car window into your aanchal at any Bengaluru traffic signal.
I know its a two way road and to some extent ( well actually to a large extent) the society is responsible for your plight. But honestly, have you ever sincerely wanted to change it? If you want people to accept you for who you are, then stop acting like someone or something you aren't. Start being who you are, and I am sure what you are is much more than the roadside beggar/harasser.
For once don't be a thing, I know you don't think yourselves as one. Try being the real person you are -  for once. 

What's stopping You?

A very simple question and one I can't find the answer of. I've wrecked my brains trying to figure out one reason, one plausible explanation and till now i have come up with nothing..blank. All the exercises just lead to one conclusion- the one I detest 'cause i know, deep within, that it's true. And the conclusion is nothing . To this day I had managed to run away from the question itself, lest the answer, I had managed to hide my inadequacy behind various veils and then  all of a sudden, all the veils were torn down. My friend asked me this question and the nightmares began. 
I realized ( well actually I already knew), that I am the only one in my way, the only one stopping myself. and because it is true, I hate this realization. the new question is- what am I going to do now ? well, honestly I don't know. I don't know how do I start and where do I start. After all its not easy to fight yourself.   

Contrast

Read  this  on Friday morning.

Had a cheese burst pizza the same night. Didn't like it very much. cribbed about it to everyone I could catch hold of. cost of one meal - around 350 bucks.

I didn.t believe in Gandhiji's talisman, neither its relevance nor its significance.. I'm beginning to understand it now.

I Love You

I love you... I love you so much....
I've loved you ever since,
I gained consciousness of who I am .
I was nothing before you, 
I am nothing without you.

You are my life , my breath, my sustenance.
Without you I am but a shadow, a wraith,
You are my light, 
my source of existence.


I love you from the deepest of depths,
with feelings so intense, that I can no longer resist 
the whirlpool that pulls me down, 
In your love, I want to drown..


Yes I'm crazy, Yes I'm insane,
I love you , I want you, I have lusted for you..
and , Yes, denying any of this is vain.
For you I'll do anything, 
to get you, I'll stop at nothing.

My love for you is all consuming,
 This fire burns within me,
In this fire I constantly burn.

Ilove you with such a fervor
that I hate you for what I've become.